Letting Go and Letting God

Long Time, No See!

Hey everyone, it's been a while—over a month since the last post on the blog. I assure you this won't be the case in the future. I had to finish the semester on the right foot and head home to the suburbs of Chicago.

Over break, I have spent time reflecting on my life. I was convicted by the realization that control issues have impacted virtually every facet of my life: school, finances, ministry, and the future. In this post, I hope to help you identify your own grasp on control, leading to the peace gifted by the Holy Spirit that comes with letting go and finally letting God.

An 18-Year-Old's Plan

We all desire control. The uncertainty can be scary. Can you imagine not having the next 10 years of your life planned out by the time you turn 18? If you don't know exactly what you want to major in, what internship you'll have in the summer, and at least the basics of a career plan, you feel behind. At least, that's what 18-year-old Micah thought as he meticulously planned the next 30 steps. It was exhausting. I had envisioned achieving top 5%, being an honors student, obtaining my CAN license, interning under a medical professional, conducting research, maintaining a 4.0 GPA, and working as a campus tutor. The plan extended to receiving stellar letters of recommendation, gaining admission to the medical school of my choice, completing a four-year program, embarking on a medical residency, and potentially becoming a medical missionary.

I wish that list was exhaustive, but it doesn't even scratch the surface of how my mind was at controlling things; just throw in the desire to control my finances, credit score, major, relationships, and health. But what about the things out of my control: the weather, pandemics, friends, accidents? It's enough to give someone horrible, gut-wrenching anxiety.

So, in August, when I first started this blog, I was not in a healthy place regarding control. In fact, I was terrified of my lack thereof. I wouldn't be able to control what people said, how they perceived my writing, my testimony, and a host of other factors. Adding to it, shortly after starting the blog, God had multiple conversations with me, revealing to me that I was not to go into the medical field but instead into full-time vocational ministry. God made it clear where he wanted me. He wanted me to share my testimony, to live authentically and honestly. However, there was just one issue. I could no longer have control. Was I going to trust Him?

The Bittersweet Nature of Letting Go

Stepping back, praying, and telling those I care about I was changing my major from pre-med to ministry was shocking, not just for them, but for me as well. Overtime, the thought of “all I worked for was wasted” would occasionally unsettle me but God was so gentle, reminding me of His providence. For anyone who knew me during my first two years of college, I was the person who stayed at the library until 12 am and studied 40+ hours a week to get the grade I wanted on an exam. However, in just two years, God had redirected my path, a path away volleyball and medicine. All that I had known and meticulously planned over the past 10 years was gone. In the void of control, despite being afraid, there was a deep resounding peace. I had so much reassurance that God had me exactly where He wanted me.

I had officially changed my major, dropped out of science classes, got my first tattoo, for the first time in my life, I was free. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I could finally fly. There was such a deep energy in my soul for life that I felt unstoppable.

Well, for about two weeks.

The waves would come crashing with the question, “What are you going to do after graduation?” My soul entered an abyss of stress and anxiety. What would I do? I knew nothing about full-time ministry. Okay, what about an internship and a letter of recommendation, grad school, scholarships… and the list goes on and on. Without realizing it, despite looking like I had truly surrendered everything to God, my soul got its hands on some control as it started to desperately plan once again. Although the new ministry was fruitful, I was still rattled with stress—stressing about what life would look like.

While sharing this with Aaron, my counselor, he cut me off midsentence. He said something along the lines of “do you hear yourself? You are spiraling for control and trying to support yourself in a way only God can.” This revelation, though impactful, did not provide immediate answers. In fact, it just revealed to me that I truly didn’t know how to surrender control. Didn’t I already surrender it? What does God want from me?

Turns out He just wanted my heart.

Following God’s Plan

In Psalm 37:5, David's call to "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and He will help you" resonates deeply with the intricate dance between trust and surrender in our spiritual walk. For a year, I fervently sought God's guidance on whether a career in medicine was His intended path for me. Amidst the silence, I immersed myself in chemistry research, tutoring, and a hospital internship in Ecuador. However, as my junior year unfolded, a soul-stirring inner conflict prompted a pivotal prayer—one that allowed me to entertain the possibility of a different future shaped by God's unique plan.

I could spend so much time revealing all the ways God directed me toward full-time ministry. However, they were all marked by releasing control and embracing the prospect of an alternative plan—God’s plan. Surrender became the conduit for divine clarity, and in the act of letting go, I witnessed the unmistakable hand of God at work.

It’s crucial to mention that God's movement wasn't contingent on my permission. His omnipotence transcends human consent, and He operates according to His will. I believe the delay in receiving a direct answer was not to prolong uncertainty but rather to shield me from unnecessary pain to the burn from holding onto a swiftly moving rope in tug of war. In His mercy, God waited until I willingly opened my hands. By trusting Him, He unfolded the unique and beautiful plan He had prepared for me, sparing me the metaphorical rope burn in the process.

Rescued Through a Text Message

During the initial weeks of launching the blog, my soul grappled with turmoil, and I felt a deep restlessness. At 2:45 AM, in a moment of anguish, I cried out to God, seeking encouragement to continue in faith. Miraculously, not ten seconds later, a friend, whom I hadn't seen in about a year, sent me a long text that began with, "I think the Lord wants me to encourage you." That night, my spirit found healing. God heard my cry, and He answered. Psalm 34:17-18 says, "The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." That night, I was rescued.

The Fight Isn’t Over

Returning to the beginning, I have to admit that my struggles with control haven’t left. Despite the incredible divine appointments I've experienced, letting go of the little things remains a challenge. Trusting God with aspects like money, post-graduation plans, and relationships continues to be a daily battle. It's an ongoing process, a war between my desire for control and the understanding that true peace comes from surrendering to God's plan.

But rather than letting discouragement take over, I find reassurance in the fact that God patiently waits for my surrender before initiating change and bringing peace. I may not be where I want to be in terms of giving over every aspect of my life to God, but the one constant is God's unchanging nature. He was faithful then. He will be faithful now. His unwavering faithfulness has become my anchor, reminding me that even as I struggle with surrender and trust, God remains steadfast.

Is there anything you are holding on to?

Let go.

Let God.