Dangerous Questions, Gracious Answers
Setting the Scene
As I sit in my light brown leather chair, candles flicker softly in the background, their warm light dancing to the quiet hum of music, setting the tone as I return once again to click open my pen and unfurl my paper (well, it’s just my keyboard, but you get the idea.) You all—or y’all, if I’m speaking to my local Virginians—deserve an explanation for my sudden and rather unexpected disappearance from both social media and my semi-consistent writing on this blog, The Path Toward Holiness.
Introducing New Readers
But before diving into that, to all the new readers in the room—or rather, this digital coffee shop I’ve attempted to create—I feel the need to explain a bit about myself. Where I’ve been is essential to understanding the future of The Path Toward Holiness and what it means for us today.
Reintroducing Myself
Some of you know me personally—maybe from one of my (often random) classes at Liberty, brushing shoulders at Golf Park Coffee (which I frequent), or during Gospel Community Church’s notorious “relational intermission” before the Sunday sermon. Others of you might not have met me but are familiar with my small (yet growing) digital footprint. Perhaps you’ve listened to my podcast episode with One80 or watched my testimony video on Instagram Reels through the Office of Spiritual Development. However you have come to know me, allow me to reintroduce myself:
My name is Micah Syswerda. I’m 22 years old and a senior at Liberty University. (Oh, how the time has flown!) I became a Christian shortly after turning 18, realizing that the façade of faith I once hid behind was nothing like the real thing.
Early Christian Journey and Struggles
But my journey since then has been far from the rosy, idealized path I had envisioned. Although my faith became real and alive, I wrestled with the expectation that my life would immediately become easier—that my struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA) and depressive episodes would simply vanish. Yet they didn’t, and I found myself planting roots in rocky soil, believing God would deliver me from these struggles as long as I remained faithful.
Over many discouraging coffee dates and weekly counseling sessions, I wrestled with my inability to overcome these struggles. My depressive tendencies persisted, and my SSA remained. I accused God of giving me a yoke that seemed heavier than those around me. After all, I attended what many call “Christian Disney World”—a place where convocation speakers often make it sound like finding a spouse is as easy as putting two quarters in a vending machine. Without realizing it, I grew bitter toward God. I felt I would always be a hopeless romantic, living a life that, in my eyes, was destined to feel incomplete compared to my Christian peers.
Developing a Flawed Theology
Although I knew, at least intellectually, that singleness is a gift, I struggled to view it as anything more than a steppingstone to marriage. I began to develop a theology resembling the “holiness movement,” believing God would grant my desires if I pursued Him wholeheartedly. This belief unfortunately shaped the beginnings of The Path Toward Holiness blog—praise God that He can still use our mistakes for His glory.
I envisioned holiness as a mountaintop, with a path leading upward. While this image captured the idea of faithful progression, it also introduced an unhealthy element of striving. I thought that by reaching the “top” of the mountain, I would be free myself from SSA and find constant peace; I would finally achieve what I desired.
So, I wrote. I tackled questions like, “Is homosexuality a sin?” and “Will gay people go to heaven?” Though I tried to approach these topics with humility, I now see that I was desperately trying to write my way out of my struggles, hoping God would one day “wake up” and take them away.
The Challenges with Growth
In June 2024, everything on the blog ramped up. My readership grew, I was featured on a podcast, and my inbox filled with messages from Christians and non-Christians alike. At first, this was encouraging—it felt like God was using my story for His glory. But over time, the pressure to provide polished answers to deeply personal and theological questions weighed heavily on me. The blog, which once overflowed from my walk with the Lord, began to hinder my ability to abide in Him.
The Birth of a Dangerous Question
The criticism came next. Some accused me of faking my testimony, living a double life, or denying my “true” sexual identity. Others mocked my appearance, my voice, and even blamed me for the pain and decisions of others. It was brutal, but it brought a necessary reminder: persecution, even emotional, is to be expected.
But in the silence of my own heart, I eventually asked myself a dangerous question—a question that almost broke me: Would I still praise God even if He never took away my SSA? My answer, at the time, was no.
(Re)entering the Wilderness
This realization brought me to my knees. I closed my laptop, archived my Instagram posts, and removed the blog link from my profile. What God needed to do in me had to happen in the wilderness, away from the noise and expectations from others…But let me tell you—in my darkest valley, the Lord drew near.
A Glimpse of New Wine
As I began this post, I initially planned to fully explain the treasures God revealed to me in this season of darkness, but as my candle flickers low, I realize the true depth (and breadth) of what He’s taught me would be difficult to write, and I don’t want to miss anything. So, expect many more posts going forward—and feel free to continue to ask me questions—I am finally ready to receive them once again. Before this season, I sang the lyrics to “New Wine” casually: “In the crushing, in the pressing, you are making new wine.” Now, having experienced a glimpse of that crushing and pressing, I can say it was hard—but if it was good for me, maybe the same could be true for you.
And no, nothing has “changed.” I am still same-sex attracted. I still face depressive episodes. I still wrestle with anxiety. But someone has begun to change me.
God's Gentle Whisper
In the quiet, God spoke to me with a gentle whisper, asking: Micah, am I worthy of praise? Through tears, I answered: “Yes, Lord—but it’s hard. Why can’t I have what others have? Are you good? Will the ache of loneliness ever end? Will you heal me?
And in response, I imagined Jesus reaching for my hand, asking: Will you allow me to help you?
I won’t tell you how I answered, but I will say this: I now walk with scars—beautiful scars that remind me that God’s healing surpasses all expectations. For I have found healing, and it has been far better than anything I could ever imagine…it has produced hope.
A New Season
So, I rededicate this blog to all the doubters, the skeptics, and those with dangerous questions that have been left unspoken. I pray you cry out to God with your questions and wait expectantly for His response.
“For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”
To a new season of Path Toward Holiness: May God remain the center and may many come to know Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, but on top of that, as a friend.
If you found this post helpful, I encourage you to share it with others—it would mean so much to me. If we were to sit down, and you asked me, Micah, what is your dream? I would tell you: This—this is my dream. I dream of a day when my name is printed on the cover of a book filled with my most personal thoughts, encouraging many to feel free to ask their deeppest questions without fear or hindrance.
So, I ask three things of you:
1. Pray that those who need a reminder they can wrestle with God will encounter this blog through social media.
2. Pray that I remain deeply rooted in Christ, abiding in Him alone.
3. If you feel led by the Spirit, consider financially supporting the behind-the-scenes aspects of this blog—such as website development, maintenance, and SEO. Your support would be deeply appreciated.
More than anything, thank you for taking the time to read this post. May God bless you as you bring your questions to Him. I pray we can foster a community in our homes, churches, and the world where we support one another as we each wait expectantly for His response.
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